So tonight we drove to Stillwater for a BFF's birthday. It was good, clean fun, with some laughs thrown in, a lot of fellowship and hugs, and a little trip down college memory lane. A drive to Stillwater is always somewhat nostalgic, both good and bad, but mostly good. I'm incredibly proud of our huge new stadium. Driving past it was a small thrill--thank you, T. Boone.
So after too much cholesterol intake at Red Lobster, and a jaunt over to a new little wine bar, we headed home. I have been having some Braxton Hicks contractions, and I was quiet for most of the drive. My sister says she has them all the time after 28 weeks, so I'm wondering if I will be the same way. My doctor said to put my feet up, so I did, literally, on the dashboard, playing Soduku on the entire drive home. And thinking.
I'm tired tonight--long day, so you'll have to forgive me if I'm less than chipper. I'm trying SO hard to be optimistic lately, but I am frequently finding myself overwhelmed with life's daily responsibilities, and wonder how on earth I'm going to have a kid on top of all this. I've read in the "what to expect" books that ambivalence is part of the game, and I am by no means overly confident about my mothering skills. I'm already worried that I haven't taken enough vitamins, or that I've been drinking too much root beer, and that our kid will end up being on a malnourished sugar high for the first three years of his life. He doesn't have a nursery yet, a crib, a car seat, a stroller, or a glider rocker. If I don't get my act together soon, I'm going to feel like the poor fellow is going to start out life with the short end of the stick.
I get down when I'm tired, and I realize that I'm tired right now. Physically and mentally. I feel like I have so many balls in the air, and that all of them are poorly managed at the moment. I'm pretty good about counting my blessings when I start to feel like this, but tonight I'm having a hard time. I'm frustrated at my inability to accomplish everything I feel like I need to in a day, and I'm feeling unfocused during every task. Today, I was proofing some work, and I realized I was doing it half-heartedly, and reminded myself that I'd end up regretting my work if I didn't get it done right. It's a waste of time to do things half-way--my parents taught me that. Why is fatigue all of a sudden making me think I can slip a few lousy attempts at effort in unnoticed?
There is one thing that constantly amazes me. The Hubs is INCREDIBLE. Not intending to brag, I'll just be frank: he spoils me rotten. Our roles are rather reversed: I leave in the morning for work, while he is cleaning the kitchen and heading to the gym. After that, he does groceries and errands, picks up the dry cleaning, throws in a load of laundry. I see him again at 6 each evening, as he's pulling dinner out of the oven. When he has to travel it is different, of course, but when he's here, I feel a little guilty that I'm not participating more in household activities.
There is so much more to be grateful for, I know. Sweet, dear, precious friends. Awesome co-workers. They all deserve so much more than I feel capable of giving at the moment. How do I turn those tables?
