May 2007 Archives

Instant smile.

Then a quick kiss. Second only to the grins--his and mine. And so spontaneous that neither of us have time to react. Or think. Or wait. No hesitation. No uncertainty. Absolute knowledge that he wants to see me, that he appreciates me, that he's going to love me.

And sure, I have my cranky moments--who doesn't? And I've gotten upset before, sure enough. But he has clear eyes that look at me in response that somehow, say what I want to be said. I hear it without him saying a word. And I can look down, look away, hesitate, and he comes after me, confidently, demanding his kiss, averting my crankiness, pulling out the smiles. And then he tells me he loves me. And I know...

I KNOW...

...he means it.

I'm probably not the person you think I am.
Sometimes, I pay full price.
I play by my own rules I make up my own rules.
I love authenticity, origniality, and the pursuit of excellence.
Consistency is next to godliness.
My second priority is to be content with little or much.
I say thank you a lot because I'm grateful.
I love being a part of things that are bigger than I am--causes. Crusades.
I can be quiet sometimes; this also means I'm a very good listener.
I don't reach out well, but when others reach out to me, I respond with graciousness, always.
I don't like to be the center of attention. I think people that do like to be the center of attention are annoying.
I think stupid jokes are stupid.

I'm very much having a "so what's the point?" conversation with myself this evening. Lots of evenings are like this one, quiet and dark, but tonight, for some reason, I'm quite contemplative.

I told David last night that I wanted to get my MBA. I'd mentioned it before, but last night he asked why. I stopped. Why not? It means you learn something, you gain knowledge, you grown. It's a great way to network and meet people.

And that's where, in my conversation with myself tonight, I stop. I'm not a very good networker. I'm not into "small talk" and "people skills". I work hard--way too hard, in some people's opinions--for what purpose? To amass things I can't take with me? To prove to whomever that gosh darn it, I'm good enough?

That, my friends, is a retarded view point. Muckled and muddy, and kind of nuts. Why do some people work so hard, sacraficing their loved ones along the way, just to prove to people in high school that they can drive a nicer car, have more money, a fancier lifestyle, than their friends have achieved? The friends don't care--my friends don't care. A few who know me well are happy for me, and the rest are happy for themselves. What I've done and how far I've gotten is of no importance to anyone but myself.

So who am I trying to prove something to--myself, or the people of my past? If it's not the people of my past, why try to prove it to myself? Why constantly set myself up for failure by setting goals I can't achieve?